This was another blog post on MySPace, same week in December, 2007

Sick Puppy

The unknown.

It most often haunts you, sometimes paralyzes you.
Stops you from making decisions, makes you sick.
Makes you second guess yourself.

What am I doing?
What have I done?
Why did I make that choice?
What was I thinking.

What is wrong with my judgment, if I cannot even make sound choices?
What is driving me?
Where am I going...

What do I want here?
And what do I just need to get by.

How am I going to get out of this?
Can I cut my losses, and leave with just a cracked bruised ego,
instead of a crushed and broken sense of self-esteem?

Why do we feel the need to constantly be in contact?

Why do we feel, when we are NOT in contact...
That there must be something wrong...

I can only guess it is insecurity.

And I can only believe that this is because of a false sense of self-worth...

A mistaken identity...

"I thought I knew you, but I didn't..."
We say to ourselves in the mirror.

How horrifying...

Life is the unknown. We think we know the past, because we were there, but in fact, we only saw things from our own point of view.

In fact, we have no idea what our actions did to anyone else, even if they tell us...

The Future will always be unknown, our plans, our projections, our forecasts, they only give us a sense that whatever does happen, we will be prepared to adjust to it, about 50% of the time...

Pretty lousy odds.

The present, where we live now, where I am now, typing this...

This is where we live, where we make decisions, where we find ourselves, and decide who we are, and who we are going to be...

It is not the most frightening place to be, but here we feel the fear, and it robs us of living and enjoying what we are doing, and it stops us from making sound decisions...

It cripples us, and I hate it.

I have such little room in my heart for hate for others, but I seem to keep a big cup of it reserved for myself.

I apply it liberally to myself whenever I don't know what is going on, or where I am going, or what I've done wrong...

I hate myself for not taking my own advice, I hate myself for not giving myself the same breaks I give others, I hate myself for not living in the moment, and taking things as they come, and I hate myself for doubting everything I have ever done, and doubting my own ability to make sound decisions for myself...

And I hate myself for giving in to my desires, and allowing myself to be vulnerable, and allowing myself to be so open with myself.

I hate myself for exposing myself here...

Yet I do it, and freely, and use the excuse that I am exercising my demons, or cleansing my system, or that I am actually writing something that someone else might read...

And I know no one will, and I know that no one cares, and I hate myself for having an ego that makes me have a shred of hope that someone actually does...

Depression is a bitch, and I hate her, Fear is a puppy I picked up on the side of the road, that seems to need me to survive, but provides nothing for me but a constant need for attention, food off my plate, medicine I cannot afford, Dr. bills that rob me of my finances...

A sick little puppy, my fear is... And I cannot let him go.

He sleeps on a ratty blanket in the garage, and I try to never let him into my house... But he seems to follow me where ever I go, and he loves me.

I am in fear right now. Anguish, Fear, stress, worry...

I have much 'unknown', and I deal with it poorly.
My mind wanders, I think of the worst, I play out fantastical scenarios in my head, I second guess everything I think and do.

Knowledge is power, because it keeps the unknown at bay. It is a chew toy for my puppy, and while it plays, I am free of it.

I have no knowledge, so I cuddle my puppy in my lap. Flea-bitten, and stinking of wet hair, and mange, I hold it close, and pet it's head, and scratch it behind its ear, where the mites live, and crawl on my skin.

I love the puppy, the sick little puppy, for without it, I am even without the fear of the unknown, and I am truly alone.

Fuck the dog.

I hope it dies.

7:48 AM